PrussiaDesu

    What’s it like having mental illness? Well, it depends on which mental illness you’re inquiring about. There’s a spectrum of mental illness you know. However, if you want to know what it’s like to have depression, anxiety, BPD[1] and suffer from self harm… I can tell you about that.

    Having depression isn’t just experiencing lethargic moments or being “lazy.” It isn’t just being “extremely sad” as some people describe it. It’s living in a body with a mind that wants to quit. It’s not having energy to get out bed because all you can do is think about dying.

    And not everyone who’s depressed is suicidal, but the majority are. What does it feel like having anxiety? It’s that little feeling you get in your stomach when tipping your chair back and nearly falling, but you don’t. Imagine feeling like that every second of the day, accompanied by things like sweating, overwhelming nervousness, paranoia and more.


    Imagine being perceived as crazy or insane, just because you have lines running down your arms and thighs. Which brings me to my next thing. Self harm. Have you ever walked into an unfamiliar place and everyone stared at you as if you’re naked? That’s what it’s like barring scars on your flesh the days you wear short sleeves.

    You can feel the eyes of strangers, and maybe even loved ones feasting their unwelcoming stares upon the lacerations embedded in your skin. If you’re sensitive, this is enough to trigger your anxiety and potentially cause an anxiety attack.

    Some days you feel fine, most days you don’t. You spend most your time isolating yourself from others and creating excuses as to why the scars on your arm doubled in size and deepened in infliction. “The cat did it.” is a common lie for pet owners.

    Trying to explain why you’re depressed is never easy because you’re told things like “you’re too young to be depressed” or it’s passed off as “sadness.”

    Sadness lasts a time period of 5 to 10 minutes. Anything more is emotionally self damaging. Often fatigue, lack of motivation, suicidal thoughts, self harm urges or unexplained “sadness” are signs of depression. Not many people know this. Last but not least, what’s it feel like to have Borderline Personality Disorder?

It’s a mix of things.

    It’s more than just depression, self harm and anxiety. It’s being emotionally unstable. It’s being either under-reactive or over reactive, no in between. It’s living in a world painted in black and white with no grey. It’s not knowing who you are or what you are. It’s being mentally, emotionally and sometimes even physically conflicted.

    It’s like living but you’re not really alive. An everyday, internal struggle between heart and mind is fought. And in silence, you suffer. The littlest things trigger you and you have to pretend that you’re fine, or if you’re on the really impulsive side, you have episodes. Enough episodes to be called a season.

It’s an awful, unwanted feeling. But it’s something you have to live with until you either get better or get used to the numbness.

    There’s people in the world who don’t even believe in mental illness for “religious reasons”, which is a pity. If you’re having an anxiety attack, people say you’re being over dramatic. If you reach out for help about your self harm, they say you’re an attention seeker. You just can’t win no matter what.

    But what’s wrong with a little attention? As humans is that not what we need? We thrive off attention and social interaction. It’s what makes us… us. But as someone struggling from all these different illnesses, receiving attention or even knowing someone’s aware of my troubles, makes me feel like a burden.

    Detriment as is, this only adds to the stress. That’s why people like me bottle it up and pretend to be fine and cry it out in the heat of the moment or later alone at night. You develop trust issues and continue to grow distant from those around you.

    You lose sight of reality and what really matters, and convinced by the voices that it’s better to hurt yourself as nobody don’t care, you do it without actual conscious. But sometimes, we don’t lose sight of reality. We know what’s reality; our reality, and that’s why we do it. Some people recover and others don’t. You can’t help everyone. You can’t save them all.

So first off I just want to say since 2017 began I've been feeling more content with myself and everything around me. I think I can say that I'm genuinely at peace, have a piece of mind and I'm thankful. I also want to say thank you and give a shout out to everyone that's stood by my side from 2014 up to now trying to help me with everything I went through. I know I've been such a dick bag toward everyone but this year I've got a change of heart and mind. I can already tell 2017 is going to be way better than 2016.

Second, after writing my last insert (Gundam x reader) I've had an increase of muse. Also, because I feel like I've improved a little with my writing (being as my stories are considerably more extensive), I'd like to take requests for some inserts. Just leave me a comment and I'll write it as soon as possible. However, I'm going to give a fair warning that if I'm not familiar with a few characters some suggest, I'm sorry. Despite that I'll still be willing to write the insert, I'll just have to look into the character so I don't make them too OOC (although it depends on what kind of insert YOU, as the requester want).

As of now, I'm still getting my life together and dealing with a few things like the death of my son and college. He died on Christmas from cancer (and I'd rather not go into details in a public journal) and a lot more. I'm not letting this discourage me. Let me also add that I wanna wish everybody a merry belated Christmas and happy belated new year. Wishing everyone the best and sending positive vibes to all.

So just in case anybody's unaware, today is AyeLad's birthday. We had an AMAZING time spending it at the malls here in California with a few other friends! We did a lot of shit, and at his hotel party he proposed to me. Of course I accepted. Now I don't want to say too much because i'm not sure if he really wants this information out here (yet) but i'm SO excited! I'm going to be a fucking husband dude like holy fucking shit.

Crikey! I just made 100 watchers!

I just wanna thank everybody who aren't bitches and don't get disturbed by my content and those who actually comment, favorite and or interact with me. 💙

I also wanna thank Shia LaBeouf, Jacksepticeye, that crackhead down the street from house, my shitty autocorrect that's for some reason seem to stop working on my iPod and of course my favorite asshole Scotsman Allistor

So I just got done cleaning out my inbox and I noticed notes from the D.A. administrator(s) saying 5 of my lemons have been removed because its pornographic literature. Why the fuck do people keep reporting my lemons when they're flagged with a mature content filter? Somebody is legit trolling my ass and i'm not sure if I should be laughing or angry? But to be honest im a little bit of both. Lmfao whoever is doing this must really fucking hate my ass.

Removed lemons:

psychopath!germany x reader [lemon] (DEFINITELY understandable)

2p!england x reader - late night visiter (this was a regular lemon, why the fuck was it reported when it flagged mature content? I dont know.

england x reader [lemon] - feeling some type of way (this was an excellent lemon and they had to be jealous so they reported it)

prussia x reader [lemon] - one good fucking (terrible lemon I wrote in 2012 but got a lot of love)

2p!canada x reader [lemon] - i smelled pancakes (another excellent lemon but mildly confusing)


ATTENTION (NOTICE): I am legit about to fucking quit deviantart. Im tired of people reporting my content for being pornographic literature. And its not the crack fanfictions they're reporting (excluding psychopath germany x reader because that shit should've been reported) but its all my legit lemons. I have never been reported on deviantart before, until I got that suspension for the first time. And im not about to keep making new accounts just to post old shit because I have enough accounts on here (and other websites) as is. I dont play games with people and if people wanna be bitches and continuously report my shit, then fuck it. Im going to either deactivate my account or just not use it at all anymore because I dont have time for this. 

If and when I do quit deviantart, I'll update a journal saying why and send some deviants a few notes with my personal information on ways they can contact me outside this bullshit ass website. But right now? I think im a little too fed up with motherfuckers being pussies and reporting my shit. Its not that fucking hard. If you see its flagged as mature content and labeled lemon, common-fucking-sense tells you not to read it. Its not that hard, its simpler than you think. This account is well on its way to being on a permanent hiatus. Im not going to go back and forth with somebody who feels the need to consistently piss me off. 

Even if I don't leave D.A. and keep posting lemons (even to a less descriptive extent but still enjoyable), they're not going to do anything but continuously report it to the point the D.A. administrators straight up delete my fucking account, and im not trying to have that. Im actually about to make another account now so if anybody wants that, send me a note and ill send you the name.

MATURE CONTENT FILTER:

This is a small little updated (from when I first posted this journal 20 minutes ago) but everything thats crack, lemon, or both crack and lemon have been updated to a more strict filter so if you're under the age of 18 (like possibly most of my fucking watchers), you can't read the insert. I don't like having to do shit like this because im an inappropriate person and I refuse to change that (unless necessary) but im not taking chances in having my account banned. Im sorry and I really do apologize for the inconvenience but people feel the need to overdo their parts so I think its time I start censoring my shit a little more wisely.